|
|
|
N.T.H.S. Class of 1975
|
YOU CAN'T BEAT NT !
|
|
 |
 |
| |
Send your favorite stories, pictures, web-links to kmiranto@hotmail.com for inclusion here. Our family-friendly staff will reveiw your offerings and change the landscape from time to time so feel free to send them in. I will acknowledge by listing each contributor here.
Here's one to get you in the proper frame of mind then enjoy the humor...
THE ROSE
The first day of school our professor introduced himself and challenged us to get to know someone we didn't already know. I stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder.
I turned round to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that lit up her entire being.
She said, "Hi handsome. My name is Rose.
I'm eighty-seven years old. Can I give you a hug?"
I laughed and enthusiastically responded, "Of course you may!" and she gave me a giant squeeze.
"Why are you in college at such a young, innocent age?" I asked.
She jokingly replied, "I'm here to meet a rich husband, get married, and have a couple of kids..."
"No seriously," I asked. I was curious what may have motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her age.
"I always dreamed of having a college education and now I'm getting one!" she told me.
After class we walked to the student union building and shared a chocolate milkshake.
We became instant friends. Every day for the next three months we would leave class together and talk nonstop. I was always mesmerized listening to this "time machine" as she shared her wisdom and experience with me.
Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus icon and she easily made friends wherever she went.
She loved to dress up and she reveled in the attention bestowed upon her from the other students. She was living it up.
At the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our football banquet.
I'll never forget what she taught us. She was introduced and stepped up to the podium. As she began to deliver her prepared speech, she dropped her three by five cards on the floor.
Frustrated and a little embarrassed she leaned into the microphone and simply said, "I'm sorry I'm so jittery. I gave up beer for Lent and this
whiskey is killing me! I'll never get my speech back in order so let me just tell you what I know."
As we laughed she cleared her throat and began, "We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing.
There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy, and achieving success. You have to laugh and find humor every day. You've got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die.
We have so many people walking around who are dead and don't even know it!
There is a huge difference between growing older and growing up.
If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full year and don't do one productive thing, you will turn twenty years old. If I am eighty-seven years old and stay in bed for a year and never do anything I will turn eighty-eight.
Anybody can grow older. That doesn't take any talent or ability. The idea is to grow up by always finding opportunity in change. Have no regrets.
The elderly usually don't have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do. The only people who fear death are those with
regrets."
She concluded her speech by courageously singing "The Rose."
She challenged each of us to study the lyrics and live them out in our daily lives.
At the year's end Rose finished the college degree she had begun all those years ago.
One week after graduation Rose died peacefully in her sleep.
Over two thousand college students attended her funeral in tribute to the wonderful woman who taught by example that it's never too late to be all you can possibly be .
These words have been passed along in loving memory of ROSE.
REMEMBER, GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.
We make a Living by what we get, We make a Life by what we give.
God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage. If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.
"Good friends are like stars........You don't always see them, but you know they are always there."
*********************************************************
Here's one send in by Fran Morgan through Angela Donato:
Do you ever want to take your words back...or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are some testimonials of a few people who did.....
1. I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow-job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back.
My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2. I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who worked at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3. My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied,
"No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
This, my sister has never let me forget.
____________________________________________________________
4. While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I'll tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me
their were screams of laughter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5. Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "NO". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you sure you didn't have an accident? "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did
you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled: "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An older couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever
had!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6. This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. Here's what happens when you predict snow but don't get any.
A true story!! We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE
have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, they
were laughing so hard!
*********************************************************
A popular one with all our Irish friends:
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me lovin' wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
*********************************************************
Ed Helinski sent in the following:
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
The pharmacist fainted.
**************************
A boy is home with his babysitter on a stormy night when the boy says "Usually on a stormy night mommy lets me cuddle with her". The babysitter responds with "OK". They are cuddling when the boy says "Usually mommy lets me take a bath". The babysitter says "ok". The boy is in the tub when he says "Usually mommy gets in with me". The babysitter says "Really? ok". They are in the tub when the boy says "Usually my mommy lets me touch her bellybutton" The babysitter says "Really? ummmmm ok".
Then the babysitter says "Hey that wasn't my bellybutton!" The boy says "That wasn't my finger either."
*******************
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Sam," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Sam is dead!"
***************************
An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. I started taking this new Viagra pill, and last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice.
The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?" "Never Father, I'm Jewish." "So then, why are you telling me?" "Because I'm telling everybody!"
***********************
One day, Jimmy is walking home from school. When he gets home, he finds his grandpa sitting on the Porch without any pants on!
So he goes up to his grandpa and says "Grandpa, do you realize that you're not wearing any pants?" His grandpa replies "Yes Jimmy, I do."
Jimmy then says "Well, why are you outside without any pants on Grandpa?"
His grandpa looks at Jimmy and responds "Well Jimmy, yesterday I sat outside without a shirt to long, and I got a stiff neck. This was your grandma's idea.
An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini - "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.
"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated.
"NO! Get away from me!"
"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.
She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says, "I said NO!"
"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he exclaimed.
She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough... and $500 IS a lot of money... "Well, OK... but only for a minute."
She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.
Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"
While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"
********************************************
A man out playing golf slices off into the woods. When he goes to find the ball he discovers a witch (hat and all) stirring a cauldron. So out of curiosity he asks her what she is brewing.
"A magic potion" she replies.
"Well what is it for?" he asks.
"This potion will make anyone an excellent golfer."
At this he gets really excited and asks if he can have some. She is agreeable but warns him that it will have dire consequences on his sex life.
After a short period of soul searching he decides to try the potion. He goes back to the golf course and completes an excellent game of golf. Next he challenges the golf pro and beats him easily. He spends every possible moment of the next year playing golf at every course he manages to get to and having a wonderful time of it. After a year he finds himself back at the same course where he found the witch. Out of curiosity he slices one into the woods so he can talk to her.
"Well", she asks, "How has your game been?"
"Great! This has been the best year of my life. I have played all over the country and never lost a game."
"And how about your sex life?"
"Oh, not bad."
"Really? This stuff can really ruin a guy's sex life. Say, how many times did you have sex last year?"
"Hmmmm, it was three, no, four times."
"And you call that not bad?"
"Not for a priest with a small parish."
|
WORDS WOMEN USE WITH MEN
>
>FINE
>
>This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you
>need to shut up.
>
>FIVE MINUTES
>
>If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five
>minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before
>helping around the house.
>
>NOTHING
>
>This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should
>be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
>
>GO AHEAD
>
>This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
>
>LOUD SIGH
>
>This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
>misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and
>wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over
>"Nothing"
>
>THAT'S OKAY
>
>This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a
>man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before
>deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
>
>THANKS
>
>A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're
>welcome.
>
>
>
>Oh, and before we forget ...
>
>"Whatever"
>..it's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!
*********************************************************
Men Are Just Happier People--What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are
happier.
**********************************************************
Jim Waters sent in this one:
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's
intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk
replied, "Cause you're ugly."
**********************************************************
More Marital Bliss:
TONGUE TWISTER!
A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes! Mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy says, "Well it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts was doing ticketing and instead of saying 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh', I accidentally said, I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh', and she socked me a good one."
The first guy replies, "Wow, this is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister accident too! I was at the breakfast table and wanted to say to my wife, Please pass me a bowl of Frosties, Honey. But I accidentally said, "You ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed bitch."
*********************************************************
Linda Woodward's husband Dave Higgins spends most of his day forwarding the most vile emails I have ever seen. Here is one of his less-vile offerings:
"Are My Testicles Black"
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and
nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult,
four hour surgical procedure.
A young, student nurse appears to give him
a partial sponge bath."Nurse", he mumbles,
from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't
know, Sir I'm only here to wash your upper body
and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse,
are my testicles black?" Concerned that he
may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one
hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and
moving them around. Then, she takes a close
look and says, "There's nothing wrong with
them, Sir!!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at
her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much.
That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......
"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"
**********************************************************
Kids, say the darndest things...................
NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one
warmsummer evening when a woman in the
convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was
stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I
heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat,
"Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the
bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush
in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it
in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause
it fell in the toilet a few days ago."
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his
teacher a note from his mother. The note read,
"The opinions expressed by this child are
not necessarily those of his parents."
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to
come out of the jar. During her struggle the
phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to
answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy,"
the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in
the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the
room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels
and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an
elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl
about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed
help I should ask the police. Is that right?"
"Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my
police van in front of the station. As I gathered
my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking,
and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.
"It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers
lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my
4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various
appliances of old age, particularly the canes,
walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.
When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned,
"Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of
his church, our minister heard the intoning of a
prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had
found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should
be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton
batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the
disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn ..... and into the hole he gooooes."
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
"I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I
can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out."
What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered,
"I think it's Adam's underwear!"
|
Steve Popovich sent this dandy one in. Be careful what you wish for!
Dear Husband,
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked
your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.
You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything.
Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife
Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.
So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.
Every thing happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime
from me. So take care.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla.
I hope that's not a problem.
Signed,
Your Ex-husband
***********************************************************
Angela Donato sent this one:
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid-term exam. The answer by one student was so profound"
that
the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is,
of
course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Here is the "Bonus Question" on the exam:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So
we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the
rate
at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that
once a
soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are
leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do
not
belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go
to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number
of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because
Boyle's
Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to
stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as
souls
are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls
in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa (a girlfriend of
mine
during my Freshman year) that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before
I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her
last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell
is
exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory
is
that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting
any
more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby
proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night,
Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A."
***********************************************************
And from the Humor in the workplace Dept.:
NEW WORDS FOR 2006
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group,
discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a
lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to
absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire
day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops
something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's
answer to the couch potato.
SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive
Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with
the kids.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.
SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been
rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free
photocopies from one's workplace.
IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles
that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking
the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers
beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly
inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they
were designed to solve.
404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide
Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that
are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions...
OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in
which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks.
CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously farting while passing
thru a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust.
|
NEVER CHOKE IN A SOUTHERN RESTAURANT.
Two hillbillies Ed and Red walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"
The woman shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"
*******************************************************
A Christmas story.......
>
> This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to
> find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. This won first prize...
>
> Christmas With Louise
>
> As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace
> before Christmas. He said all he wanted
> was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list
> twice must be true
> because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were
> overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
>
> One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and
> went in search of an inflatable love doll.
> They don't sell those things at Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore
> downtown. If you've never
> been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself.
>
> I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?
> You're kidding me! Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the
> inflatable doll section.
>
> I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute
> as a passenger in my truck so I could use
> the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult.
> Love dolls come in many different models.
> The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd
> only seen in a book on
> animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise'. She was at the bottom of
> the price scale.
> To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination.
>
> On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise > came to
> life.
>
> My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning
> hours. Long after Santa had come and gone,
> I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I
> also ate some cookies and drank what
> remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for
> a couple of hours.
>
> The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house
> and left a present that had made him
> VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk
> away, then come back and
> bark some more.
>
> We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the
> family could admire her when they
> came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
>
> My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What
> the hell is that?" she asked.
>
> My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
>
> "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.
>
> I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
>
> "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
>
> "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran," Jay said, to steer her into the
> dining room.
>
> But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
>
> Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one
> wanted to ride in the back of the
> ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"
>
> My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me
> and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by
> the fireplace?"
>
> I told him she was Jay's friend.
>
> A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise.
>
> Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this
> might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
>
> The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who
> was dying, and who should be killed,
> when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the
> morning. Then she
> lurched from the pantyhose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap
> in front of the sofa.
>
> The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa
> ran across the room,
> fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
> My brother fell back over his chair and
> wet his pants.
>
> Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
>
> It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
>
> Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide
> the cause of Louise's collapse.
> We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her
> right thigh.
>
> Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to
> perfect health!
********************************************************
Farmer John has three sons. One day his oldest comes to him and pleads
with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a
car. His father says, "Son, come with me!" He takes him to the barn and
points to the farm tractor and says, "This tractor is needed for the farm and
I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car."
The boy was not too happy but he understood and said, "OK, Dad."
A week later his 10-year-old son approaches him wanting a new two-wheel
bike. Well, he gets the same excuse ".....as soon as the tractor is
paid for...."
Shortly after that his youngest is bugging him for a tricycle. Again,
dad gives! him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first.
While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with the
whole thing, sees the rooster mating with one of the hens, and promptly goes
over and kicks the rooster off the hen's back, mumbling to himself.
His dad says, "Son, why would you do something like that? He didn't do
anything to you to deserve that."
The little boy says "Nobody rides anything around here until that DARNED
TRACTOR IS PAID OFF!!!"
*********************************************************
NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one
warmsummer evening when a woman in the
convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was
stark naked!
As I was reeling from the shock, I
heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat,
"Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the
bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush
in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it
in the garbage.
Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then
ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush.
He held it up and said with a charming little smile,
"We better throw this one out too then, 'cause
it fell in the toilet a few days ago."
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his
teacher a note from his mother. The note read,
"The opinions expressed by this child are
not necessarily those of his parents."
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to
come out of the jar. During her struggle the
phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to
answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy,"
the child said to her mother.
Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone
to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in
the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the
room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels
and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked,
"What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy
before?"
POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an
elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl
about 6 years old. Looking up and down
at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"
"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.
"My mother said if I ever needed
help I should ask the police. Is that right?"
"Yes, that's right," I told her.
"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward
me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my
police van in front of the station. As I gathered
my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking,
and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.
"It sure is," I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards
the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers
lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my
4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various
appliances of old age, particularly the canes,
walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false
teeth soaking in a glass.
As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of
questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The
tooth fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.
When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned,
"Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?"
"You know that it always gives you a headache the
next morning."
DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of
his church, our minister heard the intoning of a
prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had
found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should
be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton
batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the
disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate
prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of
what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto
the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn ..... and into the hole
he gooooes."
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
"I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I
can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated
as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something
fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it.
What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in
between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the
boy called out."
What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered,
"I think it's Adam's underwear!"
**********************************************************
|
Stan Morgante sent this one in for all the guys....Sorry gals!
THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER…
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh-in 2 kgs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed—freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents- expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition, blow wave
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor café
12:45 Catch sight of partner’s ex and notice that she has gained 17 kgs
1:00 Shopping with friends: unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from secret admirer
4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk—says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe
7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/ dancers
10:00 Hot shower- alone
10:50 Carried to bed… freshly ironed, crisp, white linen
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms
THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM…
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive, satisfying shit while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast—steak and eggs, coffee and toast—all cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several beers en route to the airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route)
9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)
11:45 Lunch—steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Play back nine (4 under)
2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)
2:30 Fly to Bahamas
3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs)—on light tackle
5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle MacPherson (bending over, naturally)
6:45 Shit, shower and shave
7:00 Watch news—Michael Jackson assassinated
7:30 Dinner—lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits
9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigars in front of wall-sized TV as you watch football game
9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer
11:30 Night-cap blow job
11:45 In bed alone
11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep
|
This one was sent in by Bill Ritchie of Murieta, California:
Here's some investment Tips for 2006 to add to your Joke Page:
For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next major corporate mergers so you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG BUCKS !!
Watch for these consolidations in the near future:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush and Grace Company will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta crackers join and become: Poly, Warner, Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco and Dakota Mini will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS and become: FedUp.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: HoneyChild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: KnottNOW...... !!
9. Last but not least ... Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the name of Titty Titty Bang Bang.
You just never know !!!!
********************************************************
The husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 rocky years of marriage.
The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a
tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been
married. She goes on and on and on.
Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the
woman and kisses her passionately rips off her clothes and makes mad
passionate love to her. Needless to say, the woman shuts up and sits quietly
with a very satisfied daze.
The counselor turns to the husband and says "that is what your wife
needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her
here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I play golf.
|
Here's a thought provoker:
MAYONNAISE JAR and TWO BEERS
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and two beers.
A professor stood before his Philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two beers from under the table and poured the liquid into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - God, family, children, health, friends, and favorite passions -- things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, house, and car. The sand is everything else -- the small stuff.
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "There is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you."
"So... pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple beers with a friend.
| |
|
READ THIS VERY SLOWLY...
Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine. I got to thinking one day about all those people on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible. How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word "refrigeration" mean nothing to you? How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched 'Jeopardy' on television? I cannot count the times I called my sister and said , "How about going to lunch in a half hour?" She would gas up and stammer, "I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain" And my personal favorite: "It's Monday." She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together. Because Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches.. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect! We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Steve toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet. We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college. Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of "I'm going to," "I plan on," and "Someday, when things are settled down a bit." When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Rollerblades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord. My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy. Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to...not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? ;And why are you waiting? Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask "How are you?" Do you hear the reply? When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head? Ever told your child, "We'll do it tomorrow." And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die? Just call to say "Hi"? When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift....Thrown away.... Life is not a race. Take it slower. Hear the music before the song is over. "Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might as well dance!" (Thanks to Christine Dauphin Barnhardt or sharing this with us and reminding us to slow down and enjoy the ride)
|
For all you boozers .........
One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, your are craving a cheeseburger and seasoned
fries.
Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the bean burrito from the 3:00 AM Taco Bell excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels like crap. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the
flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching X-file reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a
diet Coke -- yet you haven't peed once.
Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lamblasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that
can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face, or for the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day makes the eyes water of everyone who enters the bathroom.
Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy! . You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue
is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose-like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare
'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now....
********************************************************
A LITTLE FAR FETCHED - BUT STILL IS WORTH A LAUGH. MAYBE YOU HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT A REVENGE AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER.
How to deal with assholes:
When you occasionally have a really bad day,
> and you just need to take
> > it out on someone, don't take it out on someone
> you know, take it out on
> >someone you don't know.
> >
> > I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a
> phone call I had
> >forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed
> it. A man answered,
> >saying, "Hello".
> >
> > I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin. Could
> I please speak with
> >Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed
> down on me. I couldn't
> >believe that anyone could be so rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number and
> called her. I had
> >transposed the last two digits of her phone
> number.
> >
> > After hanging up with her, I decided to call
> the 'wrong' number again.
> >
> > When the same guy answered the phone, I
> yelled, "You're an asshole!"
> >and hung up.
> >
> > I wrote his number down with the word 'ass!
> hole' next to it, and put
> >it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when
> I was paying bills or
> >had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell,
> "You're an asshole!"
> >
> > It always cheered me up.
> >
> > When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my
> therapeutic 'asshole'
> >calling would have to stop. So, I called his number
> and said, "Hi, this is
> >John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just
> calling to see if you're
> >familiar with the Caller ID program?" He yelled,
> "NO!" and slammed the
> >phone down.
> >
> > I quickly called him back and said, "That's
> because you're an
> >asshole!"
> >
> > One day I was at the store, getting ready to
> pull into a parking spot.
> > Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled
> into the spot I had
> >patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled
> that I had been waiting
> >for the spot. The idiot ignored me.
> >
> > I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his! car window
> - so, I wrote down his
> >number.
> >
> > A couple of days later, right after calling
> the first asshole, (I had
> >his number on speed dial), I thought I had better
> call the BMW asshole,
> >too.
> >
> > I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW
> for sale?"
> > "Yes, it is."
> >
> > "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
> > "Yes. I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a
> yellow house, and the
> >car's parked right out in front."
> >
> > "What's your name?" I asked.
> > "My name is Don Hansen," he said.
> >
> > "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
> > "I'm home every evening after five."
> >
> > "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
> > "Yes?"
> >
> > "Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and
> added his number to my
> >speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had
> two assholes to call.
> >
> > But after several months of calling them, it
> wasn't as enjoyable as it
> > used to be.
> >
> > So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole
> #1.
> > "Hello."
> > "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up).
> >
> > "Are you still there?" he asked.
> > "Yeah," I said.
> >
> > "Stop calling me," he screamed.
> > "Make me," I said.
> >
> > "Who are you?" he asked.
> > "My name is Don Hansen."
> >
> > "Yeah? Where do you live?"
> > "Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a
> yellow house, with my
> >black Beemer parked in front."
> >
> > He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And
> you had better start
> >saying your prayers."
> >
> > I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared,
> asshole."
> > Then I called Asshole #2.
> >
> > "Hello?" he said.
> > "Hello, asshole," I said.
> >
> > He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are?"
> > "You'll what?" I said.
> >
> > "I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
> > I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your
> chance. I'm coming over right
> >now."
> >
> > Then I hung up and immediately called the
> police,saying ! that I lived
> >at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way
> over there to kill my
> >gay lover.
> >
> > Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang
> war going down on West
> >34th Street.
> >
> > I quickly got into my car and headed over to
> 34th Street.
> >
> > There I saw two assholes beating the crap out
> of each other in front
> >of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and news
> crew.
> >
> > NOW, I feel better.
|
My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives. The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him... and the advice he used to give!
Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his gems of wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when he paused, looked me in the eye and said...
"Son, Don't marry a woman with big hands. It makes your dick look smaller."
********************************************************
Jack Schitt
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt, " you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
**********************************************************
Ox y m orons....
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas oxymoron: What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
28. (I always wanted to know) Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway??????
**********************************************************
Dawn Johanson sent the next two in:
The Soap Dispenser
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and
step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not
bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the
showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like
he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun, "It's a soap dispenser." To test her
theory, the second nun also pulls on his manhood...sure enough, he
drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice
And three times but nothing happens.
So, she gives several more tugs, then yells!!
"Holy Mary, Mother of God-Hand lotion too!"
*********************************************************
One Christmas Eve,
a frenzied young man ran into
a pet shop looking for an
unusual Christmas gift for his wife.
The shop owner suggested a parrot,
named Chet,
which could sing famous Christmas carols.
This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man
asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's
reply. The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot.
Chet began to sing:
"Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..."
The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot.
Then
Chet's tune changed,
and the air was filled with:
" Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as
quickly as he could with Chet under his arm.
When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She exclaimed,
"Can he talk?"
"No," the young man replied,
"But he can sing. Let me show you."
So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot,
as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle
bells!..."
The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out
came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity,
then asked,
"What if we hold the lighter between his legs?"
The man did not know.
"Let's try it," he answered,
eager to please his wife.
So they held the lighter between Chet's legs.
Chet twisted his face,
cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the
performance of his life:
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."
*********************************************************
|
Farmer John has three sons. One day his oldest comes to him and pleads
with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a
car. His father says, "Son, come with me!" He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car."
The boy was not too happy but he understood and said, "OK, Dad."
A week later his 10-year-old son approaches him wanting a new two-wheel bike. Well, he gets the same excuse ".....as soon as the tractor is
paid for...."
Shortly after that his youngest is bugging him for a tricycle. Again, dad gives! him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first.
While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees the rooster mating with one of the hens, and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster off the hen's back, mumbling to himself.
His dad says, "Son, why would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that."
The little boy says "Nobody rides anything around here until that DARNED TRACTOR IS PAID OFF!!!"
|
I heard Tim Tice once took two of these pills....good thing he didn't OD!
|
|
|
